Stay Cosmic and Snarky: 9 July Horoscopes
By AstroSnark – Where billionaires brawl, birds invade the runway, and your life is probably more organised than Wimbledon’s AI.
If you thought July would let you coast, let’s check your birth chart for denial. The Sun is strutting through Leo and turning every power struggle up to “scandal,” Mars is tap-dancing in Gemini making every inbox feel like a hostile group chat, and Mercury is prepping for a showdown with Uranus just in time for the week’s tech and travel disasters. The cosmos is spinning up drama in every quadrant.
In the headlines, Trump (Gemini) and Musk (Cancer) are having a public ego contest that’s tanking the market, Cardi B (Libra) opened Paris Couture Week with a live crow like it was a Scorpio ritual, Wimbledon’s AI went full Mercury retrograde, Texas is underwater and French bees have declared open season on tourists. Humans: still losing to nature, tech, and anyone with better accessories.
Today’s horoscopes deliver cosmic side-eye, planetary wisdom, and just enough shade to make even the Leo Sun blink.
Birthday Snark & Cosmic Wisdom…or Roast!
Tom Hanks (born July 9, 1956)
“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
Honestly, Tom, with this week’s astrology, you’re lucky if you even get the chocolate, most of us are just finding existential raisins and tech-support instructions in the cosmic box. Cancers, this is your moment: channel your inner Hanks and roll with the weird. When the universe hands you plot twists, improvise and keep moving, just like Tom in every movie where the script goes sideways. Never trust a situation that feels too much like a straightforward romcom. This week is serving Forrest Gump running from bees, dodging billionaires, and probably clutching a couture crow.
Happy birthday, Tom. If anyone can survive this planetary pick-n-mix, it’s you.
🔥 Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19): Mars in Gemini is making you itch for a fight or at least a viral group chat meltdown. Channel that energy into something more constructive than starting a Twitter war with billionaires. The Trump-Musk spectacle is proof that not every battle is worth your fire, sometimes letting the clowns tire themselves out is the winning move. Keep your impulsive takes on speed-dial, but use them wisely. Cosmic footnote: if you must roast someone, do it with style, not screenshots.
Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22): With the Sun at its loudest in your sign and Mercury threatening to square Uranus, it’s main character season, just remember, there’s a difference between running the show and tanking the stock market with a tantrum. Take notes from the Musk-Trump brawl: big energy attracts big drama. Shine, but maybe check your audience before you make every scene about you. The universe will hand you the mic, but you don’t have to drop it every time.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): Jupiter is daring you to live large, but Saturn is peeking around the corner with receipts and rain checks. You’re tempted to book flights, join five revolutions, and start your own bee colony just to escape the chaos. Do it, but check your calendar before starting a new movement or buying a couture crow. This week’s cosmic theme is: vision, not just vibes. Dream big, plan bigger, and leave the accidental cults to someone else.
🌱 Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): With Uranus still shaking up your sign and Mercury stirring tech drama, you’re craving stability while the world insists on chaos. Wimbledon’s AI fail is basically your nightmare: trusting the system, only to watch it implode spectacularly. Double-check your routines and backup your files this week, old-school common sense beats any shiny new shortcut. Remember, not every upgrade is worth the glitch.
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): Mars in Gemini has your mind spinning, and every new headline is trying to drag you into the mess. Resist the urge to micromanage the universe. Texas floods? French bees gone rogue? Let someone else handle the disaster response for once. Your real job: sort out your own to-do list and avoid getting stung by other people’s bad planning. Your standards are still higher than a couture runway, don’t lower them just to play hero.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): Saturn is eyeing your karma like a bored Delta boardroom exec looking for someone to blame. You know what happens when leadership gets sloppy, Delta meltdown, anyone? Don’t ignore the warning signs at work or home just because you’d rather be productive than confront messy feelings. Take responsibility, delegate, and don’t be afraid to call a time-out before things go full tech disaster. Adulting: still your brand, even when everyone else is busy finger-pointing.
🌬 Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): Mars is in your sign and Mercury is planning a cosmic prank with Uranus, which means every group chat, news feed, and inbox is just more fuel for your mental mayhem. Wimbledon’s “human error” AI scandal is classic Gemini: let a robot do your job, then blame it when things go sideways. Don’t let distractions or drama derail you this week, focus on the real issues, not just the trending topics. Your words are powerful but try not to outsmart yourself into a corner.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): With Venus whispering about drama from backstage and Mercury flinging curveballs, you’re trying to keep the peace while everyone else is auditioning for a cosmic meltdown. The only thing shakier than the Texas flood response is your patience for other people’s messes. Stay poised, set boundaries, and don’t play mediator for billionaires, birds, or bees. If you have to pick sides, choose the one that doesn’t require a mop.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): Saturn’s got you craving meaningful change, but the universe keeps sending you spectacle instead. The billionaire cage match, bee attacks, AI flop, this is your cosmic reminder that revolution sometimes starts with a reboot, not a riot. Use your genius for good: help fix what you can, meme what you can’t, and remember not every cause is worth losing your cool. The future needs your weird, but not your burnout.
🌊 Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): The Sun is spotlighting your most sensitive bits while Mars in Gemini stirs up everybody else’s drama and expects you to mop up the emotional mess. Texas is underwater, the news is a flood, and your boundaries are leaking. Prioritize your own peace this week being the zodiac’s emotional lifeguard is overrated. Let others wade through their own problems while you float above the chaos (and maybe screen your calls).
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): With Mars and Mercury egging on your suspicious side and Paris Fashion Week unleashing omens by the armful, you’re picking up on every hidden agenda. Cardi B’s runway crow? Peak Scorpio energy, powerful, unpredictable, and slightly terrifying. This week, use your intuition to spot the real message beneath the spectacle. You don’t have to summon chaos to prove a point; sometimes, just being present is enough to keep everyone on edge.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): Neptune’s got you drifting, but this week’s planetary ruckus won’t let you escape into your usual dreamworld. Bee attacks, tech fails, and billionaire drama are all trying to yank you back to reality. Don’t take it personally if the vibe feels off, your superpower is adapting. Find beauty in the mayhem and let the world do its thing while you create something magical out of the cosmic mess. And if all else fails, blame the stars and have a nap.
Where We Got Our Galactic Gossip (aka, the news):
Billionaires Behaving Badly: Trump vs. Musk’s “whose-ego-is-bigger” showdown
Tesla shares take a nosedive and everyone gets stock market whiplash.
Apocalypse Chic: Cardi B and the Couture Crow
Paris Fashion Week delivers omens, feathers, and Scorpio realness.
Robots Can’t Referee: Wimbledon’s AI Fiasco
The line-calling system flops and “human error” gets the cosmic blame.
Nature’s Rebrand: Texas Floods
Neptune floods the chart and the forecast is chaos, humans still losing to the elements.
Bee Unionization: French Bees Go On Strike
24 people hospitalised, Mars in Gemini supplies the rage, and the stars are tired of humanity’s buzzkill.
Tech & Karma Collide: Delta’s Meltdown
The C-suite can’t blame Mercury retrograde this time, sometimes Saturn just calls you out.
Until Sunday! May your week serve fewer Mercury mishaps, more Cardi B-level confidence, and enough side-eye to survive whatever the universe throws your way. Stay snarky, stay cosmic, and remember: if all else fails, blame the planets and order dessert.
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