Stay Cosmic and Snarky: 29 June Horoscopes
By AstroSnark – Earth is hot, Mars is hotter, and Glastonbury is smoking hot... obviously.
This week’s planetary forecast reads like a fever dream curated by Saturn in Pisces and soundtracked by Mars in Aries. Mars is stomping around like it owns the place, fueling meltdowns geological, emotional, and musical. Mercury is technically behaving but still sending prank emails to global diplomacy. And Saturn retrograde? It's just sitting in the corner quietly undoing your plans while pretending to be helpful.
Over on Earth, Glastonbury turned into a live-action astrology meme. Neil Young is still deciding what decade it is, Pulp appeared like a ghost of Britpop past, and Skepta pulled an Aries save-the-stage maneuver after Deftones bailed. It’s giving punk rock Perseverance with a side of pyrotechnics. Meanwhile, Mount Etna exploded just to remind us that nature still headlines without needing a soundcheck.
Wall Street is levitating, Macron’s wax twin is missing, and the US and China are back in their trade deal time loop like Mercury taped over the original episode.
You ready for horoscopes that slap harder than a mosh pit at midnight? Let’s go.
Birthday Snark & Cosmic Wisdom…or Roast!
Nicole Scherzinger (June 29, 1978)
"I'm a perfectionist, and when it comes to my art, I want it to be great."
Classic Cancer sun, Leo rising: part emotional powerhouse, part stage-commanding glamazon. Nicole is what happens when you take lunar sensitivity and wrap it in sequins, hair flips, and an unshakable belief in dramatic solo runs. If you're born today, you're equal parts vulnerability and vocals, and there's a non-zero chance you rehearse your breakdowns just to make sure they land.
This year, embody the Scherzinger ethos. Cry in the limo, then hit your high note. Perfection is a myth, but owning the spotlight while chasing it? That’s your superpower.
Happy birthday, Nicole. May your spotlight never dim, your mic always be hot, and your haters stay pressed in the background vocals where they belong. And here’s hoping Glastonbury finally gives you the call-up you clearly deserve, ideally with no soundcheck drama and a full glam squad on standby.
🔥 Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19): Mars is throwing elbows in your sign like it’s headlining the pit at Glastonbury. Raw, loud, and not even pretending to wait its turn. You’re running on pure momentum, Aries, but pace yourself before you headbutt the metaphorical stage crew. Not every problem needs a flamethrower. Just most of them.
Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22): Leo, darling, your inner performer is thriving this week. Venus has you glimmering like a headline act, but don’t let that go to your already inflated ego. Glastonbury had Pulp hiding in plain sight. Maybe try mystery over megaphone. Surprise your audience. Or at least try not to make them beg for an encore you've already choreographed. We all know you did.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): The US and China are reliving their trade talk trauma, and it’s giving Sagittarius déjà vu. You too are stuck in a loop, possibly romantic, possibly just that same to-do list since Covid. Blame Mercury’s mood swings. Break the cycle, babe. Either do the thing or ghost it with flourish.
🌱 Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): Wall Street is soaring like reality doesn’t exist, clearly ignoring the tariff tantrums, presidential whining, and every economic indicator not dipped in denial. Meanwhile, you’re scanning your bank app like it holds the secrets of the universe. Jupiter in your sign is whispering “indulge,” but Neptune wants to buy NFTs again. Make grounded decisions. But yes, treat yourself to that absurdly unnecessary luxury item. You’ve earned it, probably.
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): A wax figure of Macron got kidnapped and you’re just upset it wasn’t part of a properly scheduled art heist. You crave order, Virgo, but Saturn retrograde is here to scramble your itinerary. Accept that chaos is inevitable. Just colour-code it and carry on. Control is overrated, but being the most prepared person in the room never is.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): Mount Etna erupted and honestly, same. You’ve been bottling things up for weeks and it’s giving emotional tectonic shift. That quiet resentment you’ve been nursing? It’s ready to blow. Before you ash-cloud your entire support network, try a controlled release. Maybe journaling. Maybe screaming into the abyss while making aggressive eye contact with your unfinished goals. Just get it out.
🌬 Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): Mercury isn’t retrograde, but your life says otherwise. Conversations are spiralling, tech is glitching, and you’re one group chat away from starting a podcast out of spite. Take a breath. Say less. Think more. You’re not obligated to turn every fleeting thought into content. Let one idea marinate before broadcasting it to your 482 closest friends and casual nemeses.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): The Macron wax heist is your new aesthetic. Political theatre meets performance art meets “I need attention.” You’re craving balance but chasing chaos with a side of revolution chic. Saturn says simplify. Take off your metaphorical beret, log off the discourse, and maybe focus on one small win today. Like refilling your water bottle or blocking that one energy vampire from high school. Don’t know what an energy vampire is? Check out Colin Robinson in What We Do in the Shadows! Pure Libra bait.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): Mount Etna is stealing your vibe, Aquarius. You wanted a quiet week to plot your utopia, but now Earth is literally erupting and Wall Street’s pretending it’s 2019. Saturn retrograde is asking the hard questions. Like, do your visionary plans actually function beyond a mood board? Dream wild but edit ruthlessly. Utopia doesn’t build itself.
🌊 Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): You’re vibing hard with the Glastonbury chaos. One minute you’re dancing in the metaphorical mud, the next you’re weeping over a Neil Young set that didn’t air. Blame the Moon. Blame Mercury. Blame your overly curated Spotify sad-girl playlist. Just don’t wallow too long. Nostalgia is a drug, Cancer, and you’ve got things to do. Like hydrating and unfollowing your ex.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): Someone kidnapped a wax president and you’re only mad you didn’t think of it first. You’ve got plans within plans, Scorpio, and Saturn retrograde is daring you to edit the villain arc. Not everything needs to be a conspiracy. Some things are just petty performance art. Plot, yes, but don’t let strategy steal your spontaneity. Chaos can be a power move too.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): Mount Etna is erupting and you’re somehow taking it personally. Your emotional barometer is picking up seismic activity from three continents and a group chat. Saturn is dragging you back to reality and your only defence is disassociating in glitter. Pisces, you can’t heal the world this week. Set boundaries. Say no. And maybe mute that friend who keeps texting you astrology memes as relationship advice. But don’t mute AstroSnark, because we’re always hilarious!
Where We Got Our Galactic Gossip (aka, the news):
Glastonbury 2025: Neil Young’s BBC U-Turn, Pulp’s Secret Set, and Skepta Saves the Day
Because no festival is safe from Mercury chaos and Britpop ghosts.
Macron Waxwork Kidnapped by Activists in French Museum Heist
Performance art meets petty politics with just a hint of Gemini.
U.S. and China Announce Yet Another Trade Agreement
Diplomatic déjà vu with a side of economic gaslighting.
Mount Etna Erupts, Reminding Humanity Who’s Boss
Mars in Aries energy, but geological and deeply unbothered.
Wall Street Hits Record Highs Despite, Well, Everything
Jupiter in Taurus says yes. Reality says huh?
Until next time. May your playlists be iconic, your exes irrelevant, and your sarcasm sharper. If Glastonbury taught us anything this weekend, it’s that even the best-laid lineups are one diva meltdown or volcano away from chaos. So embrace the unpredictability, dance in the metaphorical mud, and remember, the universe doesn’t do encores.
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