Stay Cosmic and Snarky: 25 June Horoscopes
By AstroSnark – Because if Brad Pitt’s rebooting, what excuse do you have?
Mercury is cosplaying a sleep-deprived life coach in Cancer, whispering, “Feel your feelings… but maybe also text your therapist.” Meanwhile, Mars in Taurus is stomping through your comfort zones like a bull in a Goop store, and Pluto retrograde is still unearthing secrets no one asked to confront, least of all your ex.
Brad Pitt’s midlife upgrade has Neptune’s fingerprints all over it, reminding us that transformation doesn’t always come with a wellness retreat or a tequila brand. And just when you thought modern finance couldn’t get messier, BNPL is now on your credit report—Saturn nods approvingly from Pisces, like a disappointed dad watching you learn fiscal responsibility the hard way. Over in the UK, Amazon’s £40 billion expansion feels suspiciously like Jupiter’s optimism on steroids, while the Climate Committee’s warning lands with all the gravitas of a Saturn-Square-Neptune mood: bleak, ignored, and full of consequences.
And yes, Joey Chestnut is back, because nothing says late-June absurdity like a man devouring 60 hot dogs to reclaim his honour. The stars are chaotic, the news is weirder than a Mercury-Chiron sextile, and your horoscope might just be the most grounding thing you read all day.
Birthday Snark & Cosmic Wisdom…or Roast!
Ricky Gervais (25 June 1961)
“Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right.”
Ah, Ricky, equal parts comedic brilliance and Twitter chaos agent. A Cancer with the emotional range of a Shakespearean tragedy and the delivery of a pub brawl. Your entire brand is cosmic crab energy: sensitive on the inside, shell-armored on the outside, and always two pints deep in existential nihilism.
Cancers born today, take notes. You’re witty, wildly perceptive, and more emotionally attuned than you’ll ever admit. You might not host the Golden Globes, but you do host the group chat's silent judgment. Just try not to cancel your entire friend group mid-retrograde. The stars say take the piss, but gently, or at least serve the sarcasm with a side of empathy.
Happy birthday Rick. May your year be full of laughs, chaos, and just the right amount of cancellable opinions.
🔥 Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19): You’ve got Mars in Taurus lighting up your money house like it’s Black Friday in your brain, and guess what? That Buy Now Pay Later scheme you swore you'd “totally pay off on time” is now being judged by Saturn and Equifax. Your inner child wants roller skates; your credit score wants a nap. Choose wisely.
Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22): Venus is doing jazz hands in Cancer, which has you extra sentimental about exes, old playlists, and that one email you never sent (but mentally edit daily). Meanwhile, Pluto is daring you to dive into your emotional vault. Try not to romanticize your own baggage, especially if it’s already ghosted you twice.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): Jupiter’s in Gemini opposite you, inflating big ideas and even bigger egos (yours, obviously). You’re feeling invincible, like Joey Chestnut returning to the hot dog throne, but let’s not confuse “comeback” with “gastrointestinal recklessness.” Make bold moves, not indigestion.
🌱 Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): Mars is currently crashing on your couch, demanding snacks and pushing you to “get serious” about your goals. Which is rich, coming from a planet that causes more drama than a group vacation. You’re determined, yes, but don’t confuse over-functioning with actual progress. Pacing yourself isn’t lazy, it’s self-respect (and basic survival).
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): Mercury’s emotional detour through Cancer has you rereading texts like they’re sacred manuscripts. The UK’s climate crisis? You’d already drafted a contingency plan. Twice. But maybe this week is less about planning and more about permission to pause, feel, and maybe even do nothing. The world won’t implode if you skip one “optimize your life” podcast. Probably.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): Pluto’s backward shuffle has you deep in reflection mode and not the Instagrammable kind. You’re wondering what parts of yourself you buried just to “cope better.” The stars say it’s time to reclaim the pieces you wrote off as “too much” or “not useful.” You’re not a machine, Cap. You’re a masterpiece with resting crisis face. Let that complexity breathe.
🌬 Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): Jupiter is dancing through your sign like it’s high on ideas and oat milk, but Saturn’s in the background whispering, “Cool story, but what’s your plan?” You’re vibing somewhere between “start a podcast” and “burn it all down.” Don’t. Channel your chaos into action, not another group chat monologue. At least outline the idea before you pitch it at brunch.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): Mercury in Cancer has you feeling like the therapist and the emotional sponge. You’re holding space for friends, coworkers, your barista’s existential spiral, everyone but yourself. Take the hint from that BNPL-credit-score update: what you don’t pay attention to now will come back with interest. Boundaries aren’t mean, darling. They’re chic.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): Pluto’s having a retrograde identity crisis in your sign, and you’re left sorting through what’s authentic and what’s just aesthetic rebellion. Amazon’s throwing billions at the UK like that’s going to solve late capitalism. You? You’re dreaming up better systems, just maybe finish one before inventing three more. Revolution is cute, but follow-through is hotter.
🌊 Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): Mercury is whispering sweet nothings in your sign until it starts yelling about unresolved feelings and that thing your friend said in 2017. Brad Pitt's soul-searching? Very on-brand for you this week. You're not broken, just mid-reboot. Feel it, journal it, maybe cry into a charcuterie board. But don’t mistake spiralling for insight. The download comes after the meltdown.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): Pluto’s retrograde has you in your noir detective era, sniffing out lies, loopholes, and that vibe shift no one else noticed. The UK's climate warning hit differently for you, it’s not just the planet that’s overheating. Someone's hiding something, and your Scorpio spidey-sense is tingling. Just try not to go full conspiracy board. Subtle is sexier.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): With Neptune throwing fog like it’s Coachella for escapists, you’re floating through your own cinematic dream sequence. But here comes reality, Buy Now Pay Later loans are hitting credit scores like a karmic invoice. Believe in magic, yes. Just maybe don’t finance it in six easy payments. Klarna? Just say no. Anchor those dreams before they ghost you.
Where We Got Our Galactic Gossip (aka, the news):
Brad Pitt gets candid about recovery – Neptune in a hoodie, whispering, “Emotional reboot, but make it A-list.”
BNPL loans now affect credit scores – Saturn’s financial intervention, now with extra regret.
Amazon to invest £40 billion in the UK – Jupiter in corporate drag, promising jobs, dreams, and… possibly surveillance.
UK climate report: Still wildly unprepared – Saturn and Neptune co-writing a disaster film. No one brought snacks.
Joey Chestnut’s comeback tour – Mars in Gemini energy: chaotic, competitive, and possibly indigestion-inducing.
SNL mocks Trump tariffs with Musk – Uranus and Mercury say “Let’s make parody out of policy… again.”
Stay snarky, keep an eye on your credit score, and remember: the cosmos are messy, but at least they’re consistently messy. Until next time, don't let your inner Joey Chestnut lead you astray.
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