Stay Cosmic and Snarky: 22 June Horoscopes
By AstroSnark – Where Saturn returns, digital fatigue, and rising oil prices become metaphors for your emotional hangover.
Summer solstice hangover, anyone? The Sun’s at full blast, and humanity has responded by quietly deleting their news apps and pretending iced oat lattes count as coping mechanisms. Oil prices are spiking like your therapist's hourly rate, digital trust is tanking faster than a Tory poll, and nearly half of the planet now admits they’re actively avoiding the news. Frankly, that might be the most sensible decision anyone’s made all year – a true triumph of self-preservation over actual information.
Pluto’s still two-stepping between Capricorn’s old-world gatekeeping and Aquarius’ tech-fuelled revolution, turning HR departments into battlefield neutral zones where DEI initiatives go to be “rebranded” (read: quietly binned, like that New Year's resolution to actually use your gym membership). Meanwhile, Gen Z and their Gen Alpha disciples are dragging the 90s out of retirement because nothing says emotional security like rediscovering cassettes, dial-up internet, and the heartbreak of Tamagotchi death. Spoiler alert: the 90s weren't actually that good, darlings.
All this cosmic mess under a Scorpio Moon, no less. Cue the brooding stares, emotional excavation, and general suspicion that someone’s lying (probably your Wi-Fi router, or maybe just everyone). Mars is squaring Saturn soon, meaning good ideas will feel like uphill battles and even your best efforts might get ghosted by the universe. Think of it as cosmic blue-ticking.
So what do the stars have in store? Log off, moisturise, have a moody little think, and maybe don’t invest in that smart digital coin startup just yet. Unless, of course, you enjoy the thrill of watching your money spontaneously combust. Let's see what this week’s astral soap opera has scripted for your sign...
Birthday Snark & Cosmic Wisdom…or Roast!
Cyndi Lauper (22 June 1953)
“Girls just wanna have fun” unless, of course, they’re caught in a Mars-Saturn square during peak digital burnout.
Cyndi, your whole vibe is retro chaos with a neon soul, very Gen Z before it was ironic. Your chart screams Cancerian empathy but also that streak of lunar lunacy that made you an icon of joyful rebellion. You didn’t just walk so Gen Z could thrift-walk, you roller-skated through the patriarchy with a hairbrush mic and a VHS tape full of feelings. A true pioneer of emotional maximalism.
To everyone else with a 22 June birthday: embrace the fact that your solar return lands you smack in the middle of cosmic drama. You were literally born under a Sun-Moon face-off and probably came out demanding better lighting and a soundtrack. Channel your inner Cyndi, go bold, go weird, and if the news cycle tries to ruin your vibe, just sing louder. Emotional chaos is a birthright, not a burden. Own that beautiful mess, darling.
Happy birthday, Cyndi! May your year be as loud, weird, and unapologetically fabulous as your crimped fringe in 1984. Keep making noise, the stars are listening (and they’re a little scared, honestly).
🔥 Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
Aries (21 Mar–19 Apr): Oil prices are climbing, your temper is flaring, and Mercury’s not even retrograde, just vibes. Aries, your desire to take charge is admirable, but today’s cosmic weather is more “read the fine print” than “kick down the door.” Mars squaring Saturn is giving “delays with a side of ego bruises,” so slow your roll before you launch a full-blown crusade because someone skipped the group chat etiquette. Not every inconvenience is a personal attack (even if it feels like it).
Leo (23 Jul–22 Aug): Darling Leo, with the 90s back in full nostalgic swing, you’re practically royalty again, but the universe demands more than a hair flip and a crop top this week. Pluto’s power plays in your opposite sign are stirring some deep questions about your throne: Who built it? Who’s still clapping? And why do you suddenly feel like hosting a TED Talk about your emotional growth? Own your spotlight, yes, but don’t forget to write your own script.
Sagittarius (22 Nov–21 Dec): Sag, you're the poster child for “just vibes,” but this week the universe slapped a Saturn filter on your escapist fantasy. Sure, the news is unbearable (DEI is dead, the 90s are back, and your Tamagotchi still won't commit), but your usual optimism feels like it’s on dial-up. Mars wants action, Saturn wants spreadsheets, and you're stuck trying to pitch a “vision” that sounds suspiciously like a gap year in Ibiza.
Reality check: great ideas still need follow-through. This week, put the wanderlust on pause and do something terrifying, like make a budget. Or floss.
🌱 Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
Taurus (20 Apr–20 May): Oil’s up, inflation’s lurking, and your grocery bill just side-eyed you. Taurus, your usual calm is being tested by price hikes and planetary nonsense. Uranus is still camping out in your sign like an uninvited flatmate with radical ideas and zero rent money. This weekend calls for flexibility (ugh), especially around finances. That “investment” in artisanal sourdough might need a rethink. Or not. You do you, but maybe review the budget between impulse buys, unless you plan on bartering sourdough for petrol.
Virgo (23 Aug–22 Sept): Virgo, you’re organising your life while the rest of the world is busy deleting the news and pretending Tamagotchis are therapy. Saturn says structure, but Pluto’s whispering secrets from HR and not the fun kind. If you’re caught in a group chat/workplace/LinkedIn warzone, remember: your greatest power lies in precision and pettiness, not panic.
Edit that spreadsheet. Reformat your emotional expectations. And for heaven’s sake, take a break from fixing everything. Not every crisis is yours to solve; some messes are simply not worth your valuable time and mental energy.
Capricorn (22 Dec–19 Jan): Capricorn, the DEI drama is hitting your feed and your patience like a sledgehammer made of corporate nonsense. Pluto’s retro pit stop in your sign is unearthing every unspoken rule, buried resentment, and HR “initiative” that was really just a PowerPoint with a rainbow gradient. You’ve done your time in the polite performance of progress, and frankly? You’re over it. Your eye-rolls are reaching supernova levels.
This week, apply your legendary discernment like a scalpel. If it looks like tokenism, smells like spin, and has “optics” in the subject line, cut it loose. You’re not here to co-sign mediocrity dressed as inclusion. You’re here to burn down the façade and build something real.
🌬 Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
Gemini (21 May–20 Jun): Gemini, digital trust is crashing, and you’re out here wondering if your favourite influencer is a Gemini… or just a deepfake with better lighting. With AI flooding the internet and Pluto dancing through Aquarius, your usual information buffet is starting to taste like conspiracy soup. This week, your gift of gab needs a quality filter.
Not everything needs a hot take, a thread, or a podcast pitch. Sometimes, the most radical thing you can do is say, “I don’t know.” Bonus points if you log off before tweeting it. The world doesn't need more unsolicited opinions, especially yours right now.
Libra (23 Sept–22 Oct): Libra, nearly 40% of people now avoid the news, and you’re leading the silent exodus with a curated exit aesthetic. Your peace is sacred, your feed is on private, and your group chat is muted indefinitely. Venus wants comfort, but Pluto is forcing you to examine the fine print in your perfectly balanced life, especially the parts that are performative as hell.
This week’s mantra? If it drains you, archive it. If it looks good but feels off, it’s probably branding. You’re not a mood board, darling. Be real. And for peep sake, stop seeking external validation from your carefully curated Instagram grid.
Aquarius (20 Jan–18 Feb): Aquarius, the so-called “smart village” trend is just your vibe, tech, rebellion, and just enough isolation to be romantic. But let’s be honest: not every utopia needs a manifesto and a solar panel. With Pluto shadow-lurking in your sign, your instincts are spot-on, but your delivery might be, well, a bit dystopian.
This week, it’s not about going full visionary hermit, it’s about making your brilliance relatable. Translate the blueprint. Get a few allies. Your future-forward genius is wasted if no one can decode it. Or worse, if it just sounds like you’re pitching a cult.
🌊 Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
Cancer (21 Jun–22 Jul): Happy (solar) return, Cancer. The Sun’s in your sign, but thanks to a brooding Scorpio Moon and the collective’s emotional hangover, it’s less “birthday season” and more “existential buffet with candles.” You’re picking up on everyone’s burnout, doomscroll fatigue, and performative wellness, again!
This week, do yourself a favour: put down the empathy sponge and pick up a boundary. You can’t cleanse the collective by crying into a crystal. Your job is to protect your peace, not martyr it. Your tear ducts deserve a holiday, darling.
Scorpio (23 Oct–21 Nov): Scorpio, the world’s in retro mode and you’re thriving. Everyone else is finally as suspicious and disillusioned as you’ve been since 2008. Pluto’s old-school revisit to Capricorn has your inner schemer sharpening its knives and scanning the fine print, especially in the “DEI is cancelled” memo. You don’t trust trends, and this one reeks of backpedalling.
Use this week to deepen your alliances and expose the nonsense. You’re not here for shallow revolutions. Go deep or ghost. And by "deep," we mean excavate the receipts, not your feelings.
Pisces (19 Feb–20 Mar): Pisces, your algorithm is serving you soft nostalgia and digital dread in equal measure, and you’re absorbing all of it like it’s part of your spiritual practice. Pluto’s slow churn is tempting you to disappear into fantasy, but Saturn’s side-eye says otherwise. This week, you need a filter: cosmic and emotional. Not every vibe is yours to carry.
Curate your energy like it’s a playlist, no doom, no drama, and absolutely no sad indie covers of happy songs. You deserve better background music.
Where We Got Our Galactic Gossip (aka, the news):
Global Oil Prices Surge as Summer Heats Up
Mercury’s not in retrograde, but your petrol budget thinks otherwise.
The Great News Avoidance: People Officially Tired of Everything
Turns out, ignoring the news is now a wellness trend.
DEI Backlash: The ‘Woke’ Wars Enter Their Saturn Return
HR has entered its flop era.
Digital Fatigue: Gen Z and Alpha Bring Back the 90s (Again)
Tamagotchis. Dial-up. Existential angst. Retro is the new real.
AI and Fake Everything: Trust Issues Hit the Internet’s Saturn Return
Your favourite influencer might be a bot. And somehow, still more emotionally available than your ex.
The Rise of the ‘Smart Village’: Rural Areas Go Full Aquarius
Utopia now comes with Wi-Fi and a composting toilet.
That’s it for this week. The stars are glitching, the headlines are trolling us, and half the internet is either fake or nostalgic for a time that barely functioned. Remember: just because the world’s regressing doesn’t mean you have to. Set a boundary, archive that group chat, and resist the urge to manifest anything until Saturn chills.
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