Stay Cosmic and Snarky: 2 July Horoscopes
By AstroSnark – The stars are spinning, and so are the politicians.
Mercury’s in retrograde pre-shadow, which means communication breakdowns are back on the menu, and everyone’s already tweeting like it’s 2017. Meanwhile, Venus is strutting through Leo like a diva on a comeback tour, demanding applause, sequins, and a red carpet that never ends.
On Earth: BTS just ended their mandatory military service and promptly announced a new album and tour, obviously, even global superstars these days believe in punctuality. Although Glastonbury is over for another year, Bob Vylan and Kneecap proved that “peace, love, and criminal investigations” is the new festival mantra and apparently is still going strong. Across the pond, U.S. Senate Republicans pulled an all-nighter that didn’t result in a term paper, just another attempt to pass legislation with the vibe of a group project led by caffeine-fuelled chaos. Meanwhile, Iowa decided that erasing people from civil rights protections is an appropriate way to spend their summer. And a self-styled psychic predicts 2025 will serve Starmer’s downfall, royal reunions, and World War III, so, you know, just another Wednesday.
Let’s find out if your week is about to pop like BTS’s ticket sales, or if you're about to be investigated for crimes against emotional stability. Your fate, or at least your next mild inconvenience, awaits..
Birthday Snark & Cosmic Wisdom…or Roast!
Lindsay Lohan (July 2, 1986):
"Life is full of risks. Don’t be afraid to take one."
Classic Cancer energy, sentimental, dramatic, and with just enough chaotic charm to keep the world guessing. Lindsay walked so your hot mess era could run, darlings. From Hollywood darling to rehab headlines to Middle Eastern brand ambassador, she’s proof that Cancers will survive anything, especially if it comes with a soundtrack and a full-circle redemption arc.
So today, embrace your inner LiLo: channel the chaos into charm, cry in couture, and if you're spiraling, make it iconic. You’re not lost, darling. You’re just doing a character study.
Happy birthday, Lindsay! May your solar return be less court appearance and more contract negotiation.
🔥 Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19): BTS just wrapped military service and dropped a tour schedule like they’ve been secretly plotting global domination from the barracks. You, too, are feeling that post-retreat momentum, ready to reclaim your territory, one chaotic to-do list at a time. The stars say: lead the charge, but don’t ignore the small print. Not every mission requires full battle gear, some just need a well-timed email and a nap.
Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22): Leo, darling, Bob Vylan and Kneecap just Glastonbury’d their way into a police file, because of course the most Leo move is turning a mic drop into a legal matter. Your voice is powerful, your presence undeniable, but don’t confuse volume for value. Make your drama count. Whether you’re performing onstage or just roasting someone in a Slack thread, remember: timing is everything.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): Sagittarius, you see that U.S. Senate all-nighter and think: “Amateurs.” You've been burning the candle at both ends since Mercury entered its pre-retrograde chaos, and somehow also set the candle on fire. Take a breath. Ambition is great, but if you're running on espresso and vibes, you're headed straight for a headline-worthy meltdown. Channel that restless fire into one (just one) clear goal this week.
🌱 Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): Taurus, BTS’s return to the spotlight is giving “meticulous planning pays off,” and your vibe this week is exactly that, strategic, composed, and maybe a little smug (you earned it). But don’t let your steady grind turn into a control spiral. Trust the plan, not just the spreadsheet. Progress can look like chaos before it looks like success. And no, you don’t have to manage the group chat and the snacks.
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): Virgo, Glastonbury’s peaceful chaos morphing into criminal inquiry is your personal horror movie. Schedules? Ignored. Boundaries? Trampled. Public outbursts? Documented. You’re internally screaming. This week, protect your peace like it’s a colour-coded Google Calendar. Your sanity depends on it. Bonus tip: not every crisis is yours to fix, just the ones with your name on the clipboard.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): Capricorn, Iowa just tried to erase civil rights with the bureaucratic efficiency of a DMV with a vengeance. It’s got you thinking about systems, who builds them, who benefits, and why you're always the one left holding the moral high ground. The stars say it’s time to speak up and restructure. Whether it’s your workplace or your mobile contract, don’t accept garbage terms just because they’re printed in bold.
🌬 Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): Gemini, BTS is back and suddenly your group chats, calendar, and wallet are all in existential crisis. You're spinning faster than a stan account during comeback season. The cosmic memo? You don’t have to RSVP to every drama. Prioritise, darling. Just because you can do 12 things at once doesn’t mean you should, especially if you’re doing them all while live-streaming your breakdown.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): Libra, the U.S. Senate pulled an all-nighter and you're over here trying to balance productivity with skincare and a sense of justice. You’re doing too much, and the stars know it. This week, cut the diplomatic tap dance. Make a decision. Draw a boundary. Cancel that non-essential Zoom. ay no, skip the debrief, and let someone else host the drama for once. Being liked is cute, but being unbothered? Iconic.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): Aquarius, that psychic predicting World War III and royal reconciliation in the same breath? Feels a little close to home. You're vibing with the chaos but also lowkey preparing a “just in case” bunker and a “save the monarchy” playlist. Channel that visionary anxiety into action. You don’t need to become a doomsday influencer, just start small. Like finally updating your emergency contacts. Or deleting that app that tells you the moon is judging you.
🌊 Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): Cancer, BTS is back and your emotions are doing choreography. You're crying over old albums, texting friends from 2016, and debating whether to buy five versions of the same photobook. The stars say: feel the feelings, but don’t drown in them. Nostalgia is cute until it becomes a personality trait. Live in the moment, or at least hydrate between sobs.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): Scorpio, Glastonbury’s legal drama has you clapping slowly from the shadows. “Art as provocation” is your love language, but even you know when the vibe shifts from edgy to evidence. This week, pick your battles and your platforms carefully. Yes, the mic is yours, but not every truth bomb needs to be detonated in public. Save some mystery. It's more powerful than a viral tweet thread.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): Pisces, that psychic predicting global meltdown and royal reconciliation? You’ve already dreamt it, journaled it, and cast a protective circle made of candle wax and vague vibes. But babe, there's a difference between spiritual insight and doomscroll cosplay. This week, focus on what’s real: your inbox, your rent, your heartbeat. The apocalypse can wait, your to-do list can't.
Where We Got Our Galactic Gossip (aka, the news):
BTS Are Back: K-pop Kings Announce New Album and Tour After Military Service – Saturn may demand discipline, but even it bows to synchronised choreography and fan chants.
Police Launch Criminal Investigation into Bob Vylan and Kneecap’s Glastonbury Sets – When your protest performance becomes Exhibit A in a legal case, you know Mercury is misbehaving.
Senate Republicans Pull All-Nighter Trying to Pass Trump’s Big Bill – Legislative chaos powered by caffeine, performative rage, and zero sleep hygiene. Classic retrograde energy.
Iowa Becomes First State to Remove Gender Identity from Civil Rights Code – Saturn in Aquarius said “do better,” and Iowa said “nah.”
Psychic Who ‘Predicted Covid’ Says 2025 Will Bring Starmer’s Downfall, Royal Reconciliation, and World War III – Doomsday with a side of crown polishing. Classic Pisces bait.
Until next time, may your retrogrades be short, your group chats muted, and your emotional spirals at least aesthetically pleasing.
Remember: if BTS can survive the military and a press tour, you can survive the rest of this week.
Stay snarky. Stay cosmic.
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