Stay Cosmic and Snarky: 13 July Horoscopes
By AstroSnark – Cosmic Obituaries, Trade Tantrums & Tech Billionaires: The Universe Is Officially Out of Chill
Mars squares Neptune this week, and it shows: the news cycle is spiralling like your cousin’s latest conspiracy group chat, loud, wild, and so confusing you need a flowchart. The Sun in Cancer wants us all to “heal and hydrate,” but let’s be real: even your water bottle is probably full of iced coffee at this point, and Saturn retrograde is here to remind you that “self-care” does not include revenge-trading on the Forex markets at 3am.
Meanwhile, down on Earth, the powers-that-be are throwing cosmic shade in every direction. Tariff wars erupt like it’s a retrograde fever dream, California’s cannabis scene goes up in smoke (for better or worse), and the G20 has gathered for its annual summit, which mostly means men in dark suits pretending to agree while secretly texting their lovers, I mean astrologers. Sun Valley is overrun with billionaires playing “Which of us will become the next Bond villain?” and, as always, the financial markets are ignoring reality with the determination of a Sagittarius at last call.
Curious about your star sign? Let’s find out.
Birthday Snark & Cosmic Wisdom…or Roast!
Harrison Ford (July 13, 1942):
“I’m like old shoes. I’ve never been hip. But I’ve always been durable.”
Classic Cancer energy: slightly grumpy, fiercely loyal, and unbothered by trending nonsense. This week, channel your inner Harrison, endure cosmic turbulence like it’s just another Tuesday in the Millennium Falcon or a casual emergency landing. Comfort over cool, side-eye over small talk, and remember: durability is a flex, darling. Just don’t let Saturn retrograde turn you into a total hermit or you’ll end up talking to houseplants instead of Chewbacca.
Happy birthday, Harrison! May your week be less “Raiders of the Lost Archive,” more “Indiana Survives Literally Everything.”
🔥 Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19): Mars is out here squaring Neptune like it wants to fight a mirage, and guess what, Aries? You’re running at full throttle with zero clarity, which is exactly how trade wars start (and end in tears, usually someone else’s). Channel that impulsive energy somewhere safer, like aggressive online shopping or shouting at the news. Just don’t let your next “big move” be a late-night email to a world leader. Even you can’t war-monger your way out of Mercury’s mess right now.
Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22):
Sun Valley billionaires are gathering, but you’re still the main character, Leo, don’t worry. You’re in full Bond-villain audition mode, except with better hair and more charisma. But before you start building a secret lair (or, worse, an app), remember, power moves hit differently under Saturn retrograde. Share the spotlight if only so you can take it back twice as dramatically next week.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): Global chaos? You call that Tuesday. The Mars-Neptune square has you dreaming big and running wild, but even your optimism can’t outpace a tariff tantrum. G20 headlines have you planning your next world tour, but this week, maybe keep it local, unless you’re angling to start an intercontinental incident (or at least a Twitter - X thread). Pour the iced coffee, darling, and pace yourself: the world will still be a mess tomorrow.
🌱 Earth Signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): G20 finance drama has you double-checking your bank balance and side-eyeing anyone who says “global stability.” Mars square Neptune is shaking your sense of security, but don’t let the collective chaos nudge you into hoarding oat milk or doomscrolling investment TikTok. Focus on what’s real, your larder, your savings, and your ability to out-stubborn anyone at the bargaining table.
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): Saturn retrograde has your anxiety spreadsheet running macros on every global summit headline. You’re itching to fix the world’s budget, but some messes are above your pay grade (and even your cosmic control). The stars say: tidy your own domain first, then roast the G20 from a safe, sanitized distance. Your precision is a superpower, not a group project punishment.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): The Sun Valley power players are out here swapping business cards and manifestos, but you’re too busy compiling receipts (and grudges) to care. Mars square Neptune has every networking pitch sounding like crypto spam, so feel free to RSVP “no” to anyone pitching “synergy” before noon. Your cosmic ROI? Investing in yourself, ghosting billionaires, and letting the world know that the only empire worth building is the one where you’re the boss and the HR department. If they want your time, they can schedule a meeting with your “Do Not Disturb” sign.
🌬 Air Signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): Mars square Neptune means your thoughts are moving faster than the markets, unfiltered, volatile, and occasionally crashing for no good reason. You’re tempted to offer a hot take on every trade war, tech summit, and group chat meltdown, but maybe pace yourself before you become the astrological equivalent of a Twitter algorithm gone rogue. Not every brainstorm needs to become a tornado, darling.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): Trade tantrums have your scales wobbling harder than a crypto chart during Mercury retrograde. You want to balance everyone’s drama, but with Saturn retrograde, it’s okay to let other people’s investments crash without you moderating the fallout. This week, consider your own emotional portfolio, diversify your energy, ghost a chaos agent, and spend your best vibes on people who are actually worth the diplomatic incident.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): Sun Valley has all the billionaires “innovating” in the wild, but you’d rather disrupt from your sofa. Uranus says rebel, Saturn says restrict, and you say “I’ll do both, but only if I can wear pyjamas.” Your wild ideas are more valuable than half the summit’s slide decks, but don’t bother pitching them to anyone with a yacht this week, just build your own digital utopia and watch the world try to copy your weird.
🌊 Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): Sun in your sign, Mars square Neptune in the headlines, and you’re absorbing the collective drama like an emotional Roomba set loose in a soap opera. California’s cannabis crackdown has your self-care rituals feeling suddenly illegal, maybe skip the herbal remedies and opt for some legal carbs this week. Remember: you don’t have to rescue every lost cause or water every withered houseplant. Sometimes “protect your peace” means logging off, not doubling down.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): You see through the G20’s diplomatic power plays and the billionaire summer camp shenanigans like you wrote the script (and maybe you did, in invisible ink). Mars square Neptune stirs your suspicion, but resist the urge to launch a covert operation on your friend group. The stars say: harness your intensity for a private win, nothing says “scorpio season preview” like thriving in the shadows while everyone else chases the next big thing (or each other’s secrets).
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): The news is a fever dream, the markets are one big mood swing, and all you want is a cosmic nap. But Saturn retrograde keeps pinging your “adulting” app, so try not to float away just yet. Mars square Neptune can leave you both inspired and directionless; take those wild daydreams and anchor at least one in reality, preferably before you invest your last dollar in “emotional Bitcoin.”
Where We Got Our Galactic Gossip (aka, the news):
Trump’s Trade Tantrum:
Mars square Neptune, but make it international finance chaos.
California’s Cannabis Crackdown:
Neptune’s dreams go up in smoke, and not the relaxing kind.
G20 Finance Fails:
Saturn retrograde meets global policy procrastination.
Sun Valley Billionaire Summer Camp:
Leo egos, Capricorn wallets, Cancerian networking brunches.
Markets in Denial:
Uranus in Aquarius and Jupiter in “YOLO stocks” mode.
That’s a wrap for today. If Mars, Neptune, and Wall Street have taught us anything, it’s that reality is optional and drama is mandatory.
Remember, if the markets crash, blame Uranus. If you accidentally text your ex, blame Mercury’s shadow. If you survive the G20, Sun Valley, and the group chat, congratulations, you’re basically ready for your own zodiac sign.
Until Wednesday! If you laughed, cringed, or felt vaguely attacked, share AstroSnark with your favourite doomscroller. Subscribe for more cosmic chaos, sass, and survival tips—delivered straight to your inbox.