AstroSnark Edition #100
The Grand Unveiling of Cosmic Indiscretions (and a few Editor's Faves) – The Remix
🧨Disclaimer: We've somehow dragged our collective sorry asses through 99 editions of cosmic absurdity, and against all odds, so have you. Brace yourselves. We're not responsible for any sudden existential crises, the urge to invest in a doomsday bunker, or your therapist raising their rates after this glorious descent into the archives. Your delusion is your own. So, proceed with caution!
🔮Some said it couldn’t be done. Others said we’d burn out by edition 47. I’m sure someone else said astrology isn’t therapy.
And yet, here we are: 100 editions deep in cosmic chaos, political absurdity, and Leo drama. We’ve survived retrogrades, eclipses, and more celebrity scandals than Mercury has moons.
This is not just a celebration. It’s a cosmic audit. A brutally honest scrapbook of humanity’s bad decisions, filtered through the twelve signs who made them worse.
Welcome to the AstroSnark 100th Anniversary Spectacular: A Roasted, Toasted, Slightly Deranged Retrospective.
🎂Birthday Snark That Aged Like Fine Sass!
Sure, we’ve roasted world leaders, planetary retrogrades, and entire national economies, but nothing hits quite like a celebrity birthday takedown. These icons were born under the same stars as you. Before you ask, ‘who cares,’ let me remind you these people share your star sign and possibly your ability to derail group chats with existential spirals. Here's what we had to say about them the first time, no apologies offered. Here are some archival favourites, immortalized for being too iconic (or too unhinged) to ignore.
Greta Thunberg (Capricorn, Jan 3) “She’s out here saving the planet while the rest of us are just trying to remember our reusable grocery bags… Channel your inner Greta — just try to avoid the existential dread (unless you’re into that sort of thing).”
Harry Styles (Aquarius, Feb 1) “Don’t wait for permission. Don’t over-explain. Just show up in a feather boa and own it. If you’re not leaving people slightly obsessed and deeply confused, you’re doing it wrong.”
Taylor Swift (Sagittarius, Dec 13) “She made a career out of revenge in major chords. Sagittarius: because if you’re going to be chaotic, at least go platinum.”
Margot Robbie (Cancer, July 2) "Margot Robbie is a reminder that Cancers can be emotionally chaotic and ridiculously hot at the same time. Just because you're crying doesn't mean you're not in charge."
Björk (Scorpio, Nov 21)"No one does alien-glam-emotional-spiral-core like a Scorpio born in a volcano. Björk has big 'hex you politely' energy."
Shakira (Aquarius, Feb 2) "Shakira’s hips don’t lie, but Aquarius placements absolutely will if it serves the bigger picture. Art is truth. Also: chaos."
🫣Snark Hall of Fame: The 100th Edition
To celebrate 100 rounds of cosmic chaos and caffeinated clairvoyance, we’re rolling out the red carpet for the zodiac’s most iconic lines. Below are the funniest and darkest quotes ever dropped on your unsuspecting star sign.
♈ ARIES
Funniest (Feb 12): "You're one passive-aggressive email away from seizing control of the entire office like a fire sign Napoleon."
Darkest (Mar 2): “You’re not on a heroic quest. You’re rage-speedrunning through consequences you refuse to read.”
♉ TAURUS
Funniest (Jan 4): "You're not just digging in your heels—you've built a bomb shelter under the garden centre."
Darkest (Dec 17):"You loathe instability, my friend, but today’s cosmic reminder is simple: slow and steady wins the race. Small, grounded decisions now will save you from a mountain of regret (and possibly bankruptcy) later."
♊ GEMINI
Funniest (Jan 3): "Are you truly on the same wavelength as your friends, or just nodding along while secretly planning your escape?"
Darkest (Feb 12): “You’re broadcasting hot takes to avoid sitting alone with the signal loss inside yourself.”
♋ CANCER
Funniest (Jan 4): "You're not a canine emotional support network, Cancer. Sometimes, the best way to help others is to focus on your own well-being—preferably with a bubble bath and a large bar of chocolate."
Darkest (Jan 4): “You're pouring from an empty cup and calling it devotion. At some point, the cup breaks.”
♌ LEO
Funniest (Dec 13): "Roar your disapproval with the regal force of a thousand Wuthering Heights wind machines."
Darkest (Feb 1): “You’ve mistaken applause for love so long you don’t notice you’re performing to an empty room.”
♍ VIRGO
Funniest (Apr 2): "Your teeth are clenched tighter than the average NHS waitlist."
Darkest (Feb 2): "Yes, things feel overwhelming, but not everything is an emergency. Before you spiral into spreadsheet oblivion, prioritize what actually needs fixing."
♎ LIBRA
Funniest (Apr 2): "You can’t balance everyone’s moods and the national grid."
Darkest (Dec 13): "Much like Britain’s economy, your energy feels like it’s running at -0.1%."
♏ SCORPIO
Funniest (Apr 2): "You’ve been brooding in the shadows, plotting god-knows-what... maybe burn a few bridges (with flair, of course)."
Darkest (Dec 17): “You keep mistaking emotional isolation for power — no one is impressed by your cold war cosplay.”
♐ SAGITTARIUS
Funniest (Apr 2): "You’re fired up, free-spirited, and one unsolicited TED Talk away from being exiled to an offshore dental clinic."
Darkest (Feb 1): “You’re not chasing freedom, you’re just allergic to accountability with better branding.”
♑ CAPRICORN
Funniest (June 1): "You’ve been quietly clocking who’s useful and who’s dead weight. Saturn retrograde isn’t a setback—it’s a cosmic audit."
Darkest (Jan 3): “You say you're managing expectations, but you’ve emotionally foreclosed on hope and called it strategy.”
♒ AQUARIUS
Funniest (Apr 13): "You saw the Parrtjima Festival and immediately planned a guerrilla light installation in your living room using IKEA lamps and a lava lamp from 2004."
Darkest (June 1): "Can your vision survive contact with reality? Or will it join the others in your museum of beautiful failures?"
♓ PISCES
Funniest (Mar 2): "This is your moment to dream big but remember that even dreams need deadlines."
Darkest (Feb 2): “You want to dissolve into stardust and skip the part where you pay rent or face yourself.”
😵💫Global Clown Show: A Retrospective
We’ve spent 99 editions watching the world implode with style, and frankly, it’s been inspirational. Here are some of our favourite WTF moments from the geopolitical circus we call Earth:
Elon Musk (Gemini) renamed Twitter “X” because what better way to confuse your users than a branding strategy based on algebra?
Meta’s AI promised to replace creatives… and instead produced the literary equivalent of a malfunctioning smart fridge.
The UK government tried economic stability by pinballing between policies like a toddler mainlining espresso.
Germany’s Olaf Scholz (Gemini) lost a confidence vote but continued to politely exist.
Australia’s summer was hot enough to BBQ a koala and leaders responded with “thoughts & prayers.”
The UK began exporting its dental patients. Apparently budget Ryanair flights now count as healthcare infrastructure.
UN slashed 20% of staff during global collapse. (‘No notes,’ whispered Saturn from the void.)
Single-use vapes were banned, forcing Gen Z to breathe raw air a crisis and a character arc.
Trump and Zelenskyy screamed at each other in the Oval Office like rival Real Housewives. Bravo diplomacy is real.
Britain’s sunniest spring on record arrived just in time for the climate crisis to slap everyone with a cheerful beam of existential dread.
💣Editor’s Cut: So Dark, You’ll Need a Flashlight
Here lies the bleakest, rawest, most emotionally destabilizing wisdom the stars coughed up.
“You’re not healing, you’re hiding behind productivity spreadsheets.”
(Virgo, Jan 3. A full-on indictment of capitalism’s emotional escape rooms.)
“Cancer, you’re spiralling — and calling it empathy.”
(April 2. Because co-dependency in a hoodie is still co-dependency.)
“Scorpio, if the only thing holding your life together is spite, at least make it sustainable.”
(Edition: Jan 3, this is pure emotional entropy, dressed in leather.)
“You keep calling it reinvention, but it’s just identity whack-a-mole with worse lighting.”
(Edition: Feb 1, this one's Sagittarius-coded burnout in full collapse mode.)
“You’re not the protagonist you’re the unreliable narrator of your own meltdown.”
(Gemini, Apr 2. Dark enough to be tattooed on a therapist’s forehead.)
“If Le Pen’s downfall taught us anything, it’s that secrets have expiration dates and yours are starting to smell a bit funky.”
(Scorpio, Apr 2. Political rot meets personal decay.)
“Capricorn, the cracks you’re ignoring aren’t ‘character-building’ they’re just cracks.”
(Feb 12. The illusion of progress, unmasked.)
“You’re gripping your routine like the UK clung to Brexit white-knuckled, slightly delusional…”
(Taurus, Apr 13. Domestic dysfunction meets national trauma.)
🪐Ready for the Next 100... (God Help Us All)
That’s your dose of cosmic truth, straight from the depths of 99 prior editions. We’ve dissected the past, mocked the present, and are now officially ready to brace ourselves for the next 100 instalments of planetary chaos and human idiocy. Will we survive 100 more? Will you? Only the stars know (and they’re terrible at spoilers). Place your bets now. (Spoiler: The house always wins. The house is Saturn.)
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